Living in constant fear…. What it means to live with a stage four cancer diagnosis

Fear. Paralyzing, breath taking, crushing fear. I thought I knew fear before, fear of failure, fear of missing a deadline, fear of disappointing someone, but I never knew fear until now. Fear is an emotion often described by children as fear of monsters. My fear is of that, a monster. The grim reaper.

I have been diagnosed with stage four breast cancer that has spread to my bone. I was not expecting that to be my diagnosis when I first realized I had cancer, I had thought for sure, stage two, I was diligent, I caught it early, no big deal, I will fight this and win.

Okay. I still believe I am fighting a battle that I am going to be victorious at, but now my fear has grown larger. Some may say they are irrational or for me to calm down and to those people I say, “fuck you.” Because I am scared, and that’s okay.

Every night I go to sleep in fear that I may not wake up the next day, leaving my husband to find a corpse next to him rather than his bride. Giving a whole new meaning to corpse bride.

Every morning I wake up and fear that my walk to the bathroom will leave me unconscious again. Every afternoon, I start to fear that today is my last day and what have I done to make it great. The answer is nothing. I have done nothing to make that day great because I have no energy to be great right now. Thanks Chemo.

I fear that if I win this battle, who is to say it’s my last against cancer? Reoccurrence is still a very big thing with cancer, or worse, what if another cancer presents itself in my body. Oh hey, there is a thought! A completely different enemy to fight.

I fear that even though I am making great progress, maybe I am not doing everything I can to fight this. Maybe I am not worth this win. Maybe I am not being my best me and I will not deserve to win this fight.

I fear.

I am scared. Terrified.

I fear that it’s not the cancer that takes my life but a blood clot like my father. Or if it’s the cancer, maybe it’s a side effect to my heart that ends it all. I fear my surgery, not because my breast is about to change, but because I fear that I will not wake up from it.

On days that are perfect, and I am surrounded by friends and loved ones, I fear this is as good as it gets, and God is preparing me for my end. Offering me everything I thought I ever wanted to prepare me for the end. My end. Leaving all my friends and family behind.

It’s paralyzing.

I try not to let fear overtake my days, but some days are harder than others. Life is too precious to focus on the fear, but I am facing the largest battle of my life and I am terrified.

I have no words of wisdom other than this is normal, and it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. I seek support in friends, family and professionals put here to help guide us through these hard times. For now, I accept my fear as a challenge of what I can overcome. I am stronger than anything put in front of me.