We were trying to get Pregnant… but got cancer instead
With cancer comes a list of realizations and decisions that need to happen in a split second. Decisions people normally have days, months, years to think about I was making some times in a moment. A moment of extreme stress. Who knows if any of the decisions I have been making are the right ones. I sure as shit have no clue what I am doing. I have said it many times during this journey, I am not good at cancer. I am good at a lot of things; cancer is not one of them.
One of the biggest decisions I needed to make was Sam’s and my future family. Going through chemo was going to all but kill my chances of getting pregnant naturally — something I was so looking forward to as our next step in marriage. I had stopped taking the depo shot in January and was not so patiently waiting for my first period in 10 years. Little did I know that our next step was fighting cancer, not me getting fat and pregnant.
Sam and I would constantly talk about our kids, what that would look like for us as parents, what type of kids we would have, and were so excited to find out what the reality of our dreams were going to be. We joked back and forth about how many kids we were going to have: I wanted enough to fill our house, so between five and seven. Sam wanted 2.5 — never quite sure what the .5 was.
This decision to go through IVF was probably the most difficult for me. Sam and my mom were completely on board, but I had some reservations. I am a devout Catholic and have always believed that if I could not conceive naturally, I would adopt. For it was God’s plan for me not to have biological kids, and I had come to terms with that. Sam was under the belief that God helped sheppard the doctors to create IVF for people in our situation. I was completely torn. We were set to meet with a Texas fertility on Wednesday, and it was Tuesday. I was panicked. I called my priest, Fr. Chuck. He asked for me to come see him.
After an hour of crying in his office asking and praying for guidance and strength, Fr. Chuck posed a question to me that I will never forget, “What can you do that shows the most love, and not just for yourself?” I cried some more and Fr. Chuck told me to pray tonight, pray alone, pray with my husband, and reignite my devotion to the blessed mother. I was determined.
So that night, we prayed. I prayed. And I kept asking myself, “What can I do that shows the most love.” I looked at my husband, who is going to be a great father, and I looked at my mother with her unconditional love to give and decided I was going to go through IVF.
IVF
I was praying for a sign from God. Desperately praying. Well, Wednesday morning, I woke up to a raging period. What’s up puberty?! I haven’t had a period in 10 years and on this day of all days, I got my period. I was annoyed.
We met with the one of the best fertility specialists in Austin, Dr. Ha (apparently, I really like doctors with either the first name John or a last name that starts with H). We needed to do a vaginal exam so Dr. Ha could see my ovaries. At this point I explained to her that I just started my period today and her eyes lit up. Not normal for someone who was going to be poking around my vagina to be excited about me having my period. But here we were. She explained that this means we could start IVF that day, and it’s perfect timing. Here was my sign from God that I was doing the right thing. I started the injections that night. Two injections every night, with a pill to stop my estrogen from reaching my brain. I would do this for a week and a half and then Monday, Nov. 11 I would have my egg retrieval — which so happened to be Sam’s birthday.
Egg Retrieval
A minor surgery they said. I would be sleeping as they went in and scraped all of my eggs out of my ovaries. YAY. Just what I want to focus on right before I start chemo. OHH and Sam had to cum in a cup in the doctor's office, a story he likes to tell as the main event of the day. *Insert eye roll here, men*
They were able to get 25 eggs from egg retrieval something that is normally unheard of, normally only donors get that many eggs. We were over the moon. Now we had to wait for genetic testing to find out if they needed to be tested for the BRCA gene before being frozen. YAY more stress.
One of the things no one tells you is after the egg retrieval you continue to bloat. I looked about six months pregnant and couldn’t move. This will continue to be a problem as I go through chemo, but we will get to that.
Realization
With undergoing chemo and have an estrogen positive cancer I had to come to accept the fact that I will never carry any of our babies naturally. I would often joke with people that I was not excited about having kids as much as I was excited about being pregnant. Feeling life growing inside me and forming that bond with my children. This was a hard realization that I still fight with. However, after gaining 20 pounds from the egg retrieval, I think I will be okay not carrying our kids. More power to all the mommies out there who carried babies and dealt with that uncomfortable feeling for almost 10 months, you guys are the real heroes.
For all you moms out there complaining about your children, or your post pregnancy bodies, please remember, some of us desperately want those kids and be able to carry them naturally and ruin our bodies for our babies but will never have the chance.
