Let’s talk about depression

I used to be someone who didn’t understand depression. Just be happy. Get yourself out of the situations that are making you sad. Now, I understand. As lay here in my bed, after my scariest thought yet, I wonder if I’m ever going to be okay. 

2020 has been a weird year, especially for an extrovert. In March, when the world was shutting down, I was getting ready to come out of quarantine. I started my quarantine in October 2019 to begin chemo and save my immune system. I finished chemo in March, and after my surgery, I was expected to go back to the office in April. Instead, the whole world shut down. Leaving me in quarantine yet again. I know there are bigger issues than not seeing people — people are dying left and right — but holy fuck, I need people. I am an extreme extrovert. I draw energy from being around people, I absorb their energy and honestly, I need it to be happy. I’ve been in quarantine for over a year now, and it’s not getting easier. In fact, it’s getting harder. I need to be around people, to do things, to get the fuck out of my house.

The holidays are a time to be happy, be around family and celebrate life. I’m struggling to be happy because I cannot be around my family, and the one person I want to share in my happiness is no longer with me. I miss my father more than anything. 

On Thanksgiving, my first thanksgiving without family, I laid on the couch and cried. Cried my eyes out and abandoned some of my favorite family traditions. On top of work burnout, not seeing family, missing my father, and trying to stay positive all the time, I am overwhelmed and completely sad. I’m going to figure it out, but for now, I have the sad.