The Unthinkable

In October I had a sharp pain on the side of my left breast. I immediately, on the couch in my living room, performed a breast exam and found a dime size mass in the lower left quadrant of my breast. I quickly messaged my doctor who said I should come in ASAP. Unfortunately, the next open appointment I could make was two weeks away. In those two weeks, I panicked. My optimistic husband told me I was overreacting, and I was okay. 

On a trip to Missouri, the mass had grown from a dime size to the size of a golf ball. Luckily my appointment was the following Thursday. My nurse practitioner wasn’t worried and thought it was probably a cyst, but we both agreed I should go the next day for a sonogram, and if they found something, a mammogram. I thought nothing of it, other than we were just being safe. I mean, I am 28 years old and healthy! 

I went to ARA in Austin for my sonogram by myself the next day, thinking nothing of it. I sat in the side room staring at a breast cancer decorated bra, and my heart started to race. Every negative thought came running through my brain as they called me back for my sonogram. 

The first stop was for a robe: Did I want a regular robe or a heated robe was my first question that morning and I broke down crying. Which, was not out of the norm recently, but I was suddenly overcome with emotion. I knew something was not right. 

I agreed to the warm robe and went into the very cold room for my sonogram. Having had many echocardiograms in the past, I knew the sound of a technician measuring something. Five clicks. Five clicks. I started to cry. All I wanted in this moment was my mother. She would know what to say or do to calm me down. 

Then they sent me to get a mammogram, which the order stated that only if they found something on the sonogram was I to get a mammogram. The mammogram was so painful. SOO PAINFUL. I cried. I cried out of fear, out of pain, out of the unknown. I have never been more scared. 

The radiologist and patient advocate sat me down in a dimly lit room to tell me the tumors they found. To be honest, I blacked out. The only thing I remember is the radiologist saying it was bad and I needed a needle guided biopsy ASAP. So on this Friday, we scheduled my biopsy for the following Tuesday. When I finally got the radiologist report on Monday it was rated a 5 which basically means, I have cancer. 

The Biopsy

Tuesday morning, my husband (Sam) and a close personal friend of mine (Tammie) brought me in. I was not going through this alone. I was nauseas, scared, and unsure of what any of this meant. 

One of the ladies stayed with me the whole time during the biopsy. Her name was Carmen and she was my saving grace. She held my hand and wiped my tears as I went through the biopsy. Sam had made me a playlist that we played out loud during the biopsy. I got to inform all of the staff who Andrew McMahon was and kept my mind off of what was happening until the actual biopsy started. 

The doctor came in and explained the procedure. He told me I am going to feel a few pricks and then will be completely numb. He lied. He didn’t numb the full tumor. So when he went to take the biopsy, I felt everything. EVERYTHING. I screamed FUCK. As loud as I could. I was pretty sure that Sam and Tammie could hear me in the waiting room. I was hysterically crying and not sure I could handle it. The doctor finally numbed the tumor and got the biopsy. Next on the my inflamed lymph nodes. The lymph nodes were directly on my nerve running down my arm, so every time the doctor went to get the biopsy, horrible pain shot through my arm. I was screaming. So much for cancer presenting painlessly. Fuck all of this. 

After the biopsy, we had to wait. Wait for seven days for the results. That night, Sam and I left for a work trip to Minnesota. My breast and armpit were all iced up, and I had a note from the doctor for TSA to not take my ice packs! I was determined to not bruise and not be in pain. Sam was going to lift my bags since I wasn’t allowed to carry anything heavy and on the trip, a coworker was going to help me carry everything. I had it all planned out. 

The Results

The work trip was not going too well, but being able to see Sam’s family while in Minnesota was amazing. The only difficult thing was we did not want to tell family until we knew for sure that it was cancer. So we lied. I told people I was getting migraines and needed the ice packs, and I hurt my arm so I couldn’t hold my newborn niece, which probably killed me the most. 

We finally got the results on Oct 24. The Thursday after the biopsy. My nurse practitioner called me almost in tears. I had breast cancer, and it was in my lymph nodes. It was spreading. Great. 

Sam cried for the first time since we started going through this process. We spent the next 10 minutes cuddled up in the hotel bed, crying. We then had to start a stream of phone calls to the most important people in our lives. We started with my mother. My poor mother. Our 2019 has not be nice to us. We were lucky enough to tell some of Sam’s family in person, which was helpful but telling family over and over again was a lot. It was mentally taxing. 

The First Doctors Visit

On the Monday we returned, one of the top oncologists in the state met with me. We found out my cancer is Her2+++ which out of all the cancers, was a pretty good one to have as it has an antidote called TCHP which I would start in two weeks after more surgeries, biopsies, tests, and MRIs. Our journey starts now.