My Psychotic Break

2020 has been hard on everyone, isolation, pandemics, uncertainty, politics and well…. Life. Now, let’s add on a cancer diagnosis, grieving the loss of a parent, and trying to build a family. Small potatoes.

In June, with two weeks left of radiation, I questioned why I was fighting so hard to live. It was the Monday after Father’s Day, the same day that marked the one-year anniversary of losing my father. I was struggling hard. Radiation was taking a toll, not only on my body but also on my mental state.

I was physically and mentally exhausted. Nothing I did made me feel better. No amount of water, exercise, or sleep was helping. I could barely focus at work, I became short tempered, and cried regularly. I could not figure out what was wrong.

I was working over 15 hours a day, trying to manage multiple projects and a team of people who needed me. I wanted to be wanted because it gave me a reason to live, but I was at my wits end and needed a break. I took a week off to breath and reset. I thought I did enough.

Over the summer, I started skating by at work, working hard and trying to take time for myself and meet with my therapist. Then October came and we put on the largest virtual work event with over 600 people in attendance. I was exhausted and approaching my one-year cancer anniversary.