My First Holiday without You

Thanksgiving is a family favorite in our house. We all gathered at my parents’ house for a full day of eating. Dad and I would wake up and immediately start cooking, we would get the smoker ready for the ham and turkey, we would mash potatoes for potato pie, we would start baking, getting the green beans ready for the casserole, and then sit down to make the anti-pasta. There were a million things cooking and people coming in and out of the house, but it was our day to prepare food for those we loved. 

My mother is a nurse and would normally work Thanksgiving, so Dad and I would run the cooking show. We would cook from 7am-4pm sometimes 6pm depending on how much we stopped to eat as we were cooking. It was my favorite day of the year. 

This year was a little different. Not only was it my first year without my father, it was my first year with cancer as what felt like the main guest. People were at my house in Texas this year, and it didn’t feel right. It felt like a huge piece of me was missing. I didn’t have the energy to cook, I didn’t have the energy to be around people, and I didn’t have the emotional capacity to be me. My mother was putting on a brave face, but this was our family’s holiday and this year was so different, in a way none of us were able to handle. I wanted to quit. 

I put on a brave face and got through the holiday with laughter, but a little bit felt forced. I wanted my father next to me, cracking jokes, smiling, stirring the pot the way he would. None of it felt right. The one thing that felt right: I was completely surrounded by love. An unconditional love from my family. Everyone was in my house to support me through this time. 

I know it will get easier but that time is not today, or tomorrow, or months from now. Right now, I am living minute to minute. Looking for guidance from my father. Praying for guidance and strength daily. 

Thanksgiving was hard, Christmas will be hard but with my family next to me supporting me, I know we can make it together. I miss you daddy, more than you will ever know. I love you.