My First Birthday without You

Another year around the sun, and I am grateful, but sad. This birthday has a different vibe, a different significance. For this year, I am just grateful to be alive.

Birthday’s bring up a ton of emotions ranging from overall excitement to extreme dismay. And, although at the core of the day, I am grateful, I am also hurting.

Every year on my birthday I would receive a handwritten card from my father talking about how proud he was of me, how much he loved me, and how we would celebrate my birthday. This is my first year not having that card, or a phone call, or even a text from the man I admire. I am not sure how to be me without my father. He is my lighthouse through any storm.

I could really use my father these days to ask him questions, listen to his advice, or joke about current events. He brought light into any situation, and if I am lucky, I will be able to do the same one day. For now, I cry, I laugh, I mourn for my father.

I can hear his voice in my head telling me how proud he is, calling me his princess, or telling me a joke. I know he is with me every day, although I cannot see him, I can feel his presence guiding me with his warmth. Leading me to greater heights. Leading me to safety and leading me on the fight of my life.

Today is a different birthday. My most difficult one yet. I pray for guidance, love, strength and grace as I tackle the day. I am still learning how to be me without my father’s guidance every day. I recognize that I can still follow his path, his light through this storm to find shelter. To my father, I miss you more than words can express, but I will be okay, as long as you continue to guide me. I love you.